Last month, I stood on the brink of world domination. World Wide Web domination to be exact. I had completed the final touches on my awesome, hip, easy-to-navigate Web site.
My splash page exploded with graphics stolen from other sites. I had created the Disneyland of the Internet, fun and filled with overpriced merchandise. I was positive that once people found it, the hits : in the immortal words of radio god Casey Kasem : “would just keep on coming.”
Not surprisingly, my launch fizzled. My Web site was a ghost town that couldn’t even attract tumbleweeds. I was reminded of my fifth birthday party : so many invitations, so few guests, so much leftover cake.
I realized I had to get creative with my Web marketing. I revised my meta tags to improve my search engine listings and to spark some buzz. But all I got were complaints about “spamdexing.” Apparently, listing every word in the dictionary was frowned upon. Instead, I narrowed my focus to what I believed were the hot buttons of today’s Internet surfers: “free,” “sex,” and “Chuck Mangione.”
Curse my luck, I had forgotten to put commas in my meta tags and titles. Hence, anyone who wanted to have free sex with Chuck Mangione was sent to my Web site. I got two hits. One from Mr. Mangione and the other from Mr. Mangione’s lawyer. Legally, I’m not allowed to say any more.
But this glitch did not stop me. After the dust had cleared, I became determined to make my Web site the hottest site since eBay went online. I wanted to be the Internet Britney Spears, and baby, people were going to hit my site one more time.
I decided the path to popularity went through banner exchanges. I figured if I could just post my banner on other Web sites, I could create business for my own site. So I created a slick, eye-grabbing banner and put it up for exchange. Within days, I had several hits and a couple of messages in my guest book. Unfortunately, they were flames.
In hindsight, I guess it was a mistake to call my banner, “Stolen footage of Star Wars: Episode Two.” Small world George Lucas has the same lawyer as Chuck Mangione. On a related note, isn’t it interesting that no one has ever seen Chuck and George together in the same room at the same time?
Anyway, after this fiasco, I abandoned my Internet marketing campaign and turned to more traditional methods of promotion. I printed up 2,000 business cards with my Web site address. Unfortunately, my server went under about the same time that my business cards shot off the press. I started to feel like my Web site was destined for obscurity, just like the XFL.
But then while in rush hour traffic, divine inspiration struck me. The idea was simple, cheap and effective. I made a bumper sticker. I’m sure you”ve seen similar stickers. They’re the ones that read: “How’s my driving? Call 1-800-RAT-ON-ME.” Instead of putting in a phone number, I inserted my Web site address. Then I slapped that sticker across my back bumper and drove like a maniac through traffic.
After that, the hits came fast and furious : almost as fast as my traffic tickets. I wonder if Chuck Mangione’s lawyer handles traffic court?
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