Unmotivated employees are the black holes of the business universe. Just as black holes devour all matter, apathetic workers suck up company profits.
By Marty Chan
And thanks to today’s labour laws, it’s easier to wipe out a black hole than get rid of your dead weight, unless you’re Tony Soprano, in which case all you need is a shovel and an airtight alibi. These days, the only thing you can do with a listless employee is motivate him. Of course, the question that plagues business leaders and mad scientists alike is how do you reanimate the dead without creating a monster.
In the old days, employers used whips to motivate their workers. Few people know this, but the original master of motivation was the Marquis de Sade. Not only did he whip 110% effort from his employees but he was the first person to stencil motivational messages on coffee mugs. He created inspiring slogans like “Whip For Success” and “Bondage Builds Teamwork.”
Unfortunately, times have since changed. Gone is the boot camp mentality that once dominated sweatshops. Forever lost are the drill sergeant foremen who yelled at their workers until they got results. Nowadays, if you even raise your voice, your employees will try to overthrow you quicker than if you were the head of the Canadian Alliance.
Instead you must find kinder and gentler ways to motivate your troops. You could pat workers on the back for jobs well done, but sexual harassment charges await you down this path.
Some businesses send their staff to motivational seminars. You know the kind, goal-oriented pep talks led by perky speakers who could give evangelists a run for their money. Here, employees build team spirit through open communication, success mantras, and hugging. Let’s get real; these sessions are a tambourine away from being cult recruitment camps. I don’t need my workers selling flowers at the airport, unless it’s more profitable than what I currently do.
The truth is employees want concrete rewards. But if you offer raises to everyone, you’ll drain your bank account faster than a zit-faced teenager goes through Oxy-Pads. A few employers offer bonuses to only the most productive workers. Unfortunately, these incentives spark envy among staff. Rather than chase after the reward, angry workers just go after the employee of the month. One thing leads to another and the next thing you know, the police find your most valuable worker face down under a pile of used coffee filters.
If you really want to motivate your workers, take a cue from baseball. Here’s a sport where pot-bellied candidates for open-heart surgery call themselves athletes. They spend most of the season scratching themselves on the bench. But come the World Series race, they are fired up like kids on a Frosted Flake buzz.
If a championship can inspire these loafers, imagine what it could do for your workers. You’re already in competition with other companies. Why not take it a step further and create the World Series of business? Offer a trophy for most profitable company of the fiscal year. Throw a parade down Bay Street. To the winning staff, dole out big, gaudy rings. This strategy will whip your employees into a motivational frenzy.
And if that doesn’t work, hire monkeys. They won’t be productive but what’s more fun than an office full of monkeys?
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