Scared Stiff

Meet the people you want to know and increase business by squashing your fear of networking

By Todd Hirsch

Do you ever feel like a wallflower? Is there a knot in the pit of your stomach when you walk into a room full of complete strangers? Do you wish that you could be get more out of conferences and meetings? You’re not alone. According to a Stanford University study, 93% of adults think of themselves as shy and approaching strangers is the worst anxiety of all. Most people would rather hide under the coat rack than initiate conversation with someone they don’t know. Successful business people are those who have mastered the art of networking and understand how to meet people, make important connections that could lead to new businesses or sources of information.

Here are some practical tips for surviving your next networking experience and turning it into a valuable relationships-building opportunity.

Be prepared
That Boy Scout motto isn’t just for surviving in the woods. Networking starts at the office, long before you walk into the room. “Know what you want to do, and what you expect to get out of the event before you even walk into the room,” says Michelle Nedelec, chair of the Calgary Chamber Commerce Business After Hours group. Pick your events carefully. Ask others who have attended in the past how many guests usually show up, and from what industries.

Understand networking versus schmoozing
Often these two words are sometimes used interchangeably, but take note they are not the same thing. Understanding why and how they are different is the first step to properly working a room. “Schmoozing has a negative connotation. There is a sense that it is manipulation. It doesn’t have the feel of a two-way street,” says Diane Darling, author of The Networking Survival Guide: Get the Success You Want By Tapping Into the People You Know. Networking, on the other hand, is extremely useful – in fact, necessary – in establishing new clients, finding suppliers, looking for employment, or just keeping up-to-date with what’s going on in a particular industry. “Truly authentic networking is reciprocal. You are both open to helping each other,” says Darling.

Master the introduction
When people ask, “What do you do for a living?” respond by describing what you do, not your title. “I’m a Biometric and Performance measurement Specialist” doesn’t mean anything to most people. Other more obvious professions such as teaching or dentistry can fall flat if you just say “I’m a teacher” or “I’m a dentist.” To get the conversation going, develop a clever, memorable introduction. “A financial planner I know introduces himself and what he does by saying, ‘I help rich people sleep at night.’ Give the benefit of what you do – that’s the icebreaker. This allows the person you are talking to to to ask a question about what you do and engage in the conversation. Then they think they’ve started the conversation,” says Susan RoAne, author of How to Work a Room and The Secrets of Savvy Networking.

Find an opener
OK, so you’ve managed to approach a complete stranger, introduce yourself, and maybe shake hands. Now what? How do you actually get the conversation going? The best conversationalists look for commonality or something topical to talk about. “What’s your connection to the host?” Weather is a common denominator, but it gets tiresome if it is all complaining. plus you can only talk about snow, or lack of it, for so long. Keep it simple. Don’t ask, “Where do you work?” since that person may not actually be employed at the moment and may feel awkward responding. Instead ask, “What do you do to keep busy?” It is less forceful, and the question gives people a chance to discuss hobbies and sports.

Avoid sensitive topics
This should seem obvious, yet it happens all of the time. Unless you already know the person quite well, there are several subjects that should be avoided. Chief among them is politics and religion. Questions and subjects should be kept to neutral issues that you have in common, but not boring ones. If you’ve inadvertently asked a sensitive question or the conversation enters into an area that has clearly made the other person uncomfortable, be prepared to quickly and graciously change the subject. Say jokingly, “Well, let’s leave the politics to the politicians. They are the ones who are getting paid to talk about it,” and move on.

Exchange business cards
Exchanging business cards is also a long-standing tradition, particularly at a business-networking event. Have several cards ready and easily accessible in a pocket or cardholder. Don’t hand a card over as soon as you meet someone because you are assuming that they want your card. The time to exchange cards is when the conversation is drawing to a close. When a card is handed to you, don’t just shove it in your pocket. Look at the card, repeat the person’s name and title out loud, and look at the person again as you do so. It is all about making that person feel like they have been acknowledged.

The line of questioning
Despite some advice to the contrary, don’t ask too many questions – building a conversation is much more than probing for information. “If you are always thinking of the next question you are going to ask, then you are not listening to a thing the person has said,” says RoAne. Everyone should be engaged in the conversation, not just one person asking questions. If you ask too many questions,” says RoAne, “you sound like you are doing a needs assessment.”

Watch your time
A networking party is a chance to meet a variety of people. No matter how engaging or important a contact may be, don’t spend the entire time talking to only one person. The person you are speaking to is also there to meet others, so don’t monopolize his or her time. While you want to introduce yourself, tell people what you do and chat about common interests, remember to give them opportunities to exit the conversation if they’d like. Circulate among the crowd and restrict conversations to no longer than 10 minutes so that you can meet other people at the event.
Meet a speaker or VIP

Sometimes you attend an event with the specific goal of meeting a particular person – perhaps the speaker or another prominent person in the room. “If you know somebody who knows them, ask for an introduction,” says Michelle. If you don’t know anyone who can provide such an introduction, it may take a bit more effort. Wait until the person is free and approach them yourself. Be ready with a handshake, a friendly smile, and an opener like “Oh, I was hoping you’d be here tonight. I’ve been meaning to introduce myself.” No matter how important a person seems, he is likely just as nervous as you are about meeting new people.

Eat early
Food and beverages are usually served at after-work mixers and present a challenge when talking to people. Don’t eat while you are trying to chat with someone. To satisfy your hunger pains, have some food when you first arrive, and then start to mingle. Sampling the food is good manners, and can provide a great conversation starter: “Did you try the salmon? It’s wonderful!” It is poor form to stand at a cocktail party with nothing in your hand. A glass of water or club soda can be thought of as a prop. Keep your glass and a napkin in your left hand, and keep your right hand free to greet others.
Exit the conversation

After speaking with one person for several minutes, you should graciously exit the conversation. A handshake is a good way to start the conversation and it’s also the best way to indicate that the conversation is over, says RoAne. “Put out your hand and say, ‘Oh, if you’ll excuse me, I see a client that I was supposed to meet.’” It’s possible to be trapped by someone who won’t stop talking. An effective strategy of liberating oneself from the non-stop talker is to wait until you are talking and excuse yourself, adds RoAne.

Follow-up the next day
There is a “tricepta of traits” that makes a person a good networker. The first is preparing for the event, and the second is being a good conversationalist. The final stage is establishing standing networking relationships with the follow-up. “This is how you foster relationships and connections,” says RoAne. “The person who wants to be a savvy networker needs all three. Some people are great at working a room, but they have lousy follow-up.” Send an e-mail the next day to the contacts you made, or call them if you suggested you would. Be ready with a follow-up question pertaining to something you chatted about. “I was thinking about our conversation and was wondering if you could tell me about….” Now, get ready to fill your Rolodex.

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