All in the Family

Canada is changing fast. Where Toronto and Montreal were once considered the country’s only metropolises, now Vancouver is renowned as a “world-class city,” and Calgary and Edmonton aren’t far behind.

Illustration by Matt Wood

Those who once journeyed to southern Ontario to work in big business, big government, media or culture now see their own children heading west to seek their fortune – in every industry (except maybe auto parts). And it’s pretty clear they don’t expect to come back.

Alberta’s boom has coincided with a new era of insecurity and uncertainty in Ontario, once the unchallenged Big Dog of confederation. Low-cost Chinese factories are eating manufacturers’ lunch, while Ontario’s former best friends across the border are turning their backs on Canada because they have security problems of their own. The stunning east-west economic reversal is practically a constitutional crisis – and naturally you’re wondering how you can help.

It’s simple, really. Ontarians simply crave a kind word here and there, a warm smile, and a nod that says you understand what it’s like to be down on your luck. That’s probably all we need for now (so long as Chrysler doesn’t go down and the loonie doesn’t pass the greenback).

So next time you’re talking to business colleagues from Out East, or passing through Pearson on your way to New York, London or Abu Dhabi, cheer up the people you meet with thoughtful, upbeat remarks. Here are 10 examples to get you started:

* The weather’s so nice in the East. This time of year we’re up to our assets in snow! (Use this anytime from September to May. They’ll believe it.)
* If Jaguar made cars in Ontario, I’d buy one. Really I would.
* We’re very jealous. I hear you get to shop at more than one grocery-store chain out here.
* Love the skiing. Eastern hills aren’t as tall as the Rockies, but lengthening your runs by piling all that landfill on top gives them real character.
* Wow. Mississauga must be almost as big as Calgary!
* (In downtown Toronto:) That’s a really big tower you have. Is it new?
* You’re so lucky to still have Tim’s drive-thrus. All our underemployed service workers are in Grande Prairie pulling down 90 Gs.
* Shania Twain is so much cooler than Jann Arden.
* I hear French is becoming an important international language again.
* I wish we lived so close to Cleveland.

If you’re still striving to help Easterners feel better about themselves, you can do more. For instance, here are a few questions you shouldn’t ask.

* Why does your skyline look just the same as it did last time I was here?
* I remember when everyone out west used to cheer for the Maple Leafs. Are they still around?
* Is that all you’d get for your house now?
* (In downtown Montreal:) Is your subway still running?
* remember when you had real traffic jams here. What happened?
* What do you think will happen to your provincial health-care system when all the baby-boomers retire?
* Did you know that the economic centre of Canada is now just east of Dryden, Ont., and it’s moving west at a rate of 12 kilometres per year?
* Why does nobody kayak down the Don River?
* Do you know anybody who buys North American cars any more?
* Do you know the Smiths? They come from Oakville too, and they just moved to St. Albert last month.

Why should you care about how Easterners feel? It’s important to remember that unless we are fighting over levels of transfer payments, Canadians constitute a family. When a family member has a bad run of luck, you must try to hide your gleeful gloating. Maybe they had it coming, maybe not. But it’s important to encourage them, help them deal with the problem and reassure them that times will get better. (Otherwise, they might come back to you for money.)

Besides, economies are cyclical. Alberta’s oil boom will not last forever. And the East’s traditional strengths in manufacturing, finance, steel, textiles and crushed gravel might just rise to the fore once again.
Hmm. Let me think about that one a bit more. I’m sure I’ll have figured out a credible argument by next month.

Rick Spence is a Toronto-based writer and marketing consultant. He learned economics watching The National.

Current Issue