Out of Gas

Stave off burnout with Marty’s sugar-coated advice

By Marty Chan

When your car runs out of gas, all you need to do is refuel at the nearest gas station, but what do you do when you run out gas? Burnout is a growing affliction among many entrepreneurs. It was the second most common reason for Parmalat executives to leave the food and dairy corporation; the number one reason was prison. Inevitably, everyone will hit the wall, and usually when they need to be at the top of their game.

The obvious remedy is a vacation, but this idea gives me an ulcer. Whenever I think of taking a holiday, I imagine my employees turning into a classroom of teenagers under the supervision of a substitute teacher. I’ve spied on my employees’ Internet activity, and I am positive that given enough time they will be behind the fraudulent discovery of life on Mars, George Bush’s re-election, and the sequel to the notorious Paris Hilton video.

Instead of taking a break, I do what most business people do; I tough out the energy doldrums and hope for a second wind to hit. I become a marathoner. I focus only on the road ahead. I convince myself that my pain will be rewarded. Like my running counterparts, my heart rate gets pretty high, but it’s not from aerobic exercise. It’s from the stress.

Because I lack physical conditioning, I must turn to artificial means to stave off burnout. A caffeine boost can buy me at least an hour of productivity. Unfortunately, my body has built a tolerance to the bitter bean. Two years ago, I started my morning with two cups of coffee; now I’m up to 17 mugs. I would set up an espresso intravenous drip if I wasn’t terri-
fied of needles.

When I can’t run to Starbucks for a caffeine fix, I turn to chocolate bars and jelly tots. Sugar is methadone for caffeine junkies, but it is equally addictive. My craving for the sweet stuff has made me do some things of which I’m not too proud. Let’s just say you don’t know rock bottom until you find yourself snorting powdered sugar off a half-eaten jelly doughnut in the garbage. The irony of these fixes is that when I come down, I feel even more worn out than before. The effort to return a call becomes as impossible as knocking the McDonald’s “lovin’ it” jingle out of my head.

So how does an overworked executive overcome burnout? The answer is simple: diversion. If you want to overcome burnout, you need to take your mind off work for a few minutes every day. Most
entrepreneurs aren’t daydreamers, so you need a real diversion. My suggestion is to
install a Playstation machine in your office and play an action game. Pretend the things that cause you stress are the creatures in the game. Got a delinquent client? No problem. Drop kick his virtual version in the neck. A shipper loses an order that had to be in Montreal by the morning? Nuke him! The more intense the game, the better. Remember to shut your door so people don’t hear you yelling “Mortal Combat.”

After a few of these therapy sessions, burnout will no longer be a concern. Now if I could only figure out a way to uncurl my arthritic gamer’s hands.

Marty Chan is the playwright-in-residence at Edmonton’s Citadel Theatre. His mother would like him to give up writing and be an accountant.

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