trend

Business best bets

Eager to capitalize on the next hot consumer trend? Look no further than the masses, say North American trend-watchers, and give them what they really, really want
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Trendy or Not

Are you still searching for a marketable product that will spark a consumer trend, and become the thing people just have to have? Stop looking! No such product exists, and it never has.

Oh yes, people will try to refute my claim by citing sales figures for cell phones, computers, and BMWs.

My answer to the naysayers is that these items are already going the way of Rubik’s Cubes, sea monkeys, and the Ford Pinto. Let’s face facts: by the time the public lines up for the latest hot product, the trend is already dead. Fads change faster than my impatient father switches lanes in rush hour traffic. Sooner or later, there’ll be a crash, followed by an earful of “I told you so’s” from my back-seat driving mom.

Despite the risks, entrepreneurs want to cash in on the latest consumer rage (not to be confused with my dad’s road rage). Some businesses are lucky enough to cash in on a hot trend; others end up desperately hawking the same product in different colours. Need I mention George Foreman’s multi-coloured greaseless grills? The truth is that jumping on the bandwagon is a sure-fire way to lead you to a warehouse full of unsold Elmo dolls. Can you tell me how to get to bankruptcy street?

If you want to succeed, you’ve got to become a trendsetter and create a mob-like demand for your product. Quality doesn’t matter, just as long as the masses believe they need the treasure you’ve hidden away in your warehouse. A perfect example of this type of marketing savvy is pet rocks. I bow to the genius who hoodwinked consumers into believing that the stones in their own backyards were too wild to be pet rocks.

So what does it take to trigger a trend? If you look at the fashion world, the answer is sexy cool people dancing in butt-ugly clothes. We have Gap’s frowning hipsters to thank for the return of bell-bottoms. Similarly, celebrity endorsements encourage buying trends. My wife was among the millions who ran out to buy Suzanne Somer’s Thigh-Master. Imagine the havoc Mariah Carey could wreak if she endorsed Prozac.

Sadly, sexy cool people and celebrities cost lots of money. If your company’s marketing budget is anything like mine, you might be able to snag the house guests from the first season of CBS’s Big Brother. But unless you’re selling beds or sleeping pills, those two-legged hamsters won’t do you any good.

So how does a small business start a big trend? After much research in countries ruled by puppet regimes, I believe the answer is mind control. If you can hypnotize enough consumers, you can command them to break down doors to buy your Elmo cell phones, your uni-coloured Rubik’s Cubes, or whatever gadget that’s collecting dust in your warehouse. All you need is some airtime on a television station, a CD of new age music, and the man they call Reveen.

Sure, some minor ethical issues may arise, but who’s going to criticize when you command an army of zombies. And if you get bored of setting trends, you can always turn your zombies into a hockey team that will bring the Stanley Cup back to Canada, or you can establish your very own puppet regime. The sky’s the limit!